just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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