I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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