the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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