my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
