We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
