I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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