A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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