When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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