the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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