my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
BRING THE BAGELS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
