I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
