I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
