so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
