I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
soo... how was my night?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
