While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
