things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Randomize
