Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
