I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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