When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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