Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she peed on how many people?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
