i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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