your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
