Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
