If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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