I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
