I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
