I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
