wanna go halves on a baby?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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