Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
