my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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