My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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