You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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