dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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