I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
