I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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