Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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