I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
