I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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