I think I won the penis lottery.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize