becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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