I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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