Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
