There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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