Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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