worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
