I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
