I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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