i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
His nipple licking is glorious
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