Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
