i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
