my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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