Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
40s are totally the cure
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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