The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
