So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
