i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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