No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
