new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Your penis caused this!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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