i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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