She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
